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A Journey Through The Snow

In search of myself I walk a blessed yet broken road

And so my journey begins

“Clinging to the remnants of perfection
Like most do after they break it
Not knowing which direction’s the correct one
Do I discard or remake it” – Relient K

When I was a little girl the concept of perfection had no meaning to me. In hindsight, one could perhaps argue that I simply lacked the cognitive ability to comprehend it but I have always attributed it to my own admiration of the world. The way I saw it, the world is full of wondrous entities so why pursue what is already present.

I miss my young self sometimes…

My innocent and uncontaminated outlook, my unshakeable faith in those around me and my uncountable dreams for the future. Sometimes.., things were truly better in the past.

Today, as a hard-working and highly determined 25 year old, one of the cornerstones of my existence consists of the pursuit of perfection. For almost every action I perform, whether in the company of others or on my own, I overanalyse and consider every possible outcome I can imagine. Perfection is the most futile of pursuits… and yet I find myself unable to shake the prospect… All in fear of otherwise hurting those around me. The fear of becoming that famous inconvenience that everyone would be so much better without…

Logically, I know this fear is slightly irrational but, so far, I have not been able to let logic win. For every day that passes I try my utmost to challenge the fear, slowly raging a war against the deepest parts of myself, while silently praying for relief. I promise that, when the day of victory comes, you will be the first ones’ to know.

Right at this moment I am dedicating some time to reflect on the day that has passed, and I would like to leave you all with a challenge. At some time tomorrow, feel free to choose which ever moment feels right to you, take a couple of minutes and look at the world that is surrounding you. Your task is simple.., find one thing, one thing in that beautiful world of yours, that you are thankful for. When you have find it, I want you to spend a couple of minutes reflecting on what it is that makes you thankful for that specific thing. Maybe, if we all complete the task, it will allow us to appreciate the day and life we have been given, regardless of what may have occurred before.

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Take the first step in faith

“Stay strong because things will get better. It might be stormy now but it can’t rain forever” – Unknown 

A while back a dear friend of mine suggested that I may benefit from keeping a blog. With no specific topic in mind, I think she simply wanted me to put pen to paper again, even if it is in an electronic form. Even without having read a word of mine, she knew just how supportive the power of language is to me. How much I have always dreamed of being able to move or inspire others somehow.

Thank you my dear! I will always be grateful for your friendship and support.

I have been very lucky when it comes to friends. Some I truly cannot see my life without. They have brought me so much joy and I cannot imagine what my life would have been like had I never met them. However, with family I have been less fortunate. Do not get me wrong, I love every single individual in the dysfunctional group from which I originate but to call us a family is to hold us in far too high regards. Growing up was chaotic for all of us and, personally, I still have not been able to find my way to freedom.  I am still not sure of who I am or where my true worth lies.

This will be the premise of my blog. Hopefully, by documenting and sharing my account with you I will slowly be able to find out who I truly am and what I am meant to do with this life I have been given. Although, consider yourselves pre-warned, since English is not my native language I am sure grammatical errors and confusing ramblings will pop up in my posts from time to time. However, if through this process I am able to repay your kindness with inspiration or thoughtful topics I could not ask for more. It is all I could ever wish to give you.

 

 

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